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So just what is a Turkey Day Marathon? Back in the early ‘90s, when Mystery Science Theater was still on, Joel Robinson was still onboard the Satellite of Love, Comedy Central would have something on the day after Thanksgiving calling it the Turkey Day Marathon, which would consist of 24 hours of MST3K. Not sure how many years they did it, but I knew I was in front of the TV for it as much as I could.
About a decade later, in 2003, I decided that I was going to something very similar to that. To celebrate all those cinematic shipwrecks, I was going to spend the Friday after Thanksgiving in front of my TV, assaulting my eyes with some of the best in bad cinema. How tough could it be? As much as I tried to get volunteers to join me on this insane escapade, no one was daring enough to do it. So I would have to go it alone. At least for the time being.
Now over the years, the definition of a “bad movie” or what we view during this event can always be debated. Yes, there are a lot of these titles that I would consider “great” films. Okay…maybe not great or well made, but they’re damn entertaining. And after all, that is what a movie is supposed to do, right? Of course, there are a few that are like having your toenails pulled out…very slowly. But that’s what we’re here for. Jumping on that grenade. Taking one for the team. We’re professional here, so we know what we're doing here.
I had mentioned my little marathons on the site during that time of the year, but never thought much about it. But realizing how long I’ve been doing it, and that I started taking notes of the films watched, I thought it might be a good idea to make a journal page on the site to review all of the fun and terrible places we’ve journeyed through over the years. We will cover each film that we’ve watched during that year’s epic event. Feel free to steal some of these titles to hold your own mind-numbing marathon. But just remember….to steal a quote from the opening of James Whale’s FRANKENSTEIN, “Well…we’ve warned you!”
2003 / 2004 / 2005 / 2006 / 2007 / 2008 / 2009
I don’t remember which films I watched that first time, but I know it damn near killed me. I didn’t start a list at that time, or if I did start, by the time I was done, I don’t think I was able to function much of anything outside of a stumble and a few grunts. Watching a bad film can be fun, especially if done with a group of friends. But watching several bad films, on your own, is something that I wouldn’t advise except to those only with a strong will and iron stomach. It has been known to crush the will and desire of the weak minded. After this first experiment, I think it was several weeks before I attempted to watch another movie.
This year again, we were still
on our own. But we ventured on, determined that this punishment could only make
us stronger. We had our films lined up for the day and were ready to take
on whatever horrors await. So we strapped ourselves in and started the
marathon!
BLOOD FREAK (1972) - We wanted to start the marathon off with the ultimate of Turkey Day movies, and this was definitely it. This film was actually commissioned by a religious group to show the dangers of drug use and wanton sex. Steve Hawkes stars in the film that he also co-wrote and co-directed with Brad F. Grinter. Hawkes plays Herschell, an out-of-work vet looking for a job and a place to crash. He stops by the road to help a girl with car trouble. For his help, he is invited back to her home. Her sister just happens to be having a swinging drug party, but that doesn't put her off as she sits and reads gospel from the Bible. Herschell doesn't want to partake since he's trying to impress this girl. But it gets even stranger. Herschell gets a job at a turkey farm and volunteers for a little experiment. He has to eat a turkey that has some laced with a experimental drug to see if it has any side effects. Well, after eating the entire turkey, he turns into a turkey-headed monster that craves blood. The guy basically has a turkey head mask on, with big bulging eyes. It has to be seen to be believed. And even then, it's hard to believe that someone gave the thumbs up once the mask was put on.
But what makes the film even more enjoyable is that Grinter breaks into the film every now and then to give small lectures on what is happening in the film, emphasizing the evils of drug use and putting harmful chemicals into your body. All the while, he’s chain smoking cigarettes! Even to the point where he starts coughing so much you think he’s going to cough up a lung! This film is one that really epitomizes what a turkey of a movie is, both literally and figuratively. It was released on DVD by Image Entertainment, so if you haven’t had this pleasure, add it to your list. It will be one that you will never forget, but will be forcing it onto your friends so they can partake in this feast.
NIGHT
OF THE LEPUS (1972) - Next film up had to be one of the best ideas for a
giant animal movie ever conceived. Honestly, who would ever think that making a
movie about giant killer rabbits could ever be a great idea? I mean
really…outside of a Monty Python movie, how could a rabbit ever be threatening?
Maybe if they were the size of a large Winnebago? Aahhhhh….no. I would have
liked to have been at that pitch meeting when the guy threw this idea out on the
table. “How about giant killer rabbits?” “I LOVE IT! LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN!”
It could have happened. The movie DID get made after all. And not only did it
get made, but it also starred Janet Leigh, Stuart Whitman, Rory Calhoun, and
even Star Treks’ DeForest Kelly! For some reason on all the posters, the
never really let on what terror was about, even using the Latin word lepus
instead of rabbit. Obviously they knew if they let people know it was
about killer rabbits, no one would come.
The film is as just silly as one would think. These rabbits are placed on scale models, with some red paint rubbed on their mouths. Even the slow motion scenes with them thumping their way through the desert just can’t bring any sort of terror. But there is some footage that I found pretty scary, and that was some real life footage of some ranchers trying to get the rabbit overpopulation under control. Some of the measures being used back then probably would have PETA giving them more than a stern look.
THE GIANT CLAW (1957) - Our 3rd feature was one that I had been trying to find ever since seeing a clip of it in the film IT CAME FROM HOLLYWOOD (1982), which showed a titular beast attacking a plane and eventually eating the parachuting passengers. Not only is the creature basically a marionette, but has one of the goofiest looking heads (next to the turkey monster from BLOOD FREAK). The main actor, Jeff Morrow, had said in an interview that neither he, nor anybody else in the cast, had seen the monster before the premiere. Of course, every time the creature made an appearance on the screen, the audience roared with laughter. One can only imagine the terror they felt during that premiere, as any hope of furthering their career slowing going down the toilet.
That’s one of the beauties of a film like this. Everyone involved (except maybe the special effects guys) gave their 110% to the job, with such conviction and seriousness. Everything is played completely straight. Like they were making their own CITIZEN KANE. It is what makes these kind of films so enjoyable an so different from the "bad films" of today. These guys were really trying their hardest to make a good film. Then when we finally see this dreaded creature that they lead us all up to with such hype and anxiety, if you think you’re “you gotta be shitting me” look is something, just imagine those actors at the premiere.
THE
INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING AND BECAME MIX-UP ZOMBIES
(1964) - This next film we tackled (or more like tackled us) has a reputation
from the name alone. It is. To say that watching this Ray Dennis Steckler
film, by yourself, is an endurance test is like saying that New Orleans had a
slight water problem after hurricane Katrina. The movie wasn’t even half over
yet and I was already questioning my faith in humanity. Steckler was known for
getting bored very quickly once he started making a movie. This means that it
wasn’t uncommon for him to change what the movie is about, or even the kind of
movie it was, half way into it. This film features some Vegas style dance
numbers that actually just might lower your IQ. But then there’s some the scene
at the carnival with our main actor Cash Flagg (aka Steckler himself) riding
around on the roller coasters with his girlfriend. Words simply cannot describe
this movie. You will be scratching your head several times while watching this
film. The reputation it has is there for a reason. Proceed with caution
if you’re thinking of attempting this movie. Don’t do it alone.
THE DEADLY SPAWN (1983) - So as not to leave this experiment-gone-horribly-wrong on a negative note, I decided to go with one more film, but one that I would definitely not consider a turkey. I had to get some enjoyment out of this. Think of it as the piece of pumpkin pie after the big Thanksgiving Day meal. You really shouldn’t, but you want to end the event on a good note. And we did just that with Doug McKeown’s one and only feature film. Even though the film is a low budget independent project, there were enough talented people involved which turned out one of the best and goriest monster movies in the early ‘80s.
The film is about an alien creature that lands on earth one night and starts to eat its way onto world domination. This alien is basically a bunch of mouths with teeth. A lot of teeth. I mean, A LOT of teeth. There is a party full of old ladies getting attacked by little creatures that is very hard to forget. The work that John Dods did by creating this amazing creature should put him in Monster Maker’s Hall of Fame somewhere. Such a unique design, made on a super low budget, added in with all the gore, it makes this movie extremely enjoyable and a great time, not to mention a really good film.
So in closing, we did held up pretty well. We got through 3 highly entertainingly bad movies that were a lot of fun. Sure, the Steckler movie also killed us, but we were able to struggle through it and thankfully DEADLY SPAWN helped us recover some of our lost brain cells. So 5 movies in one day, and another Turkey-Day Marathon comes to a close.
For this marathon, I was not going to have to make this journey alone. I found a sucker…I mean, a fellow movie fan that had the guts to put his love of bad movies to the test. Dr. AC (aka Aaron Christensen) joined me that faithful day to for another festival of B-movies and other such wonders. Though, he must have been pretty trusting of me since we’d only met a few months earlier. Little did he know of the horrors that I was going to put him through....(cue devilish laugh here) heheheh.
BLOOD FREAK (1972) - Yes, we did watch this film last year. And since this was AC's first Turkey Day experience, I didn’t want to give him a full frontal assault right away. But I felt that since he had never witnessed BLOOD FREAK before, that we’d have to make that the first film. Sort of breaking him in. Or breaking him down. Not sure which. And even I had watched it last year, watching this movie with a new viewer is almost as fun as watching the film itself for the first time. The look on their faces is priceless. When the turkey monster first makes its appearance, and they look over at you with this "Are you fucking kidding me?" look....priceless.
LADY
TERMINATOR (1988) - For the next film, we traveled to Indonesia for a
film that some say might be a slight rip-off of James Cameron’s TERMINATOR. And
they would be correct. Very much so. But that’s beside the point. While there
are few sequences directly lifted from that Cameron movie, there is plenty of
other stuff that will have you cheering for more. Hard to describe this movie
other than a woman, played by the beautiful Barbara Anne Constable (in her one
and only role) becomes possessed by the South Sea Queen after a snake crawls up
into her while in bed. Now in control, she sets out to kill another young woman,
a descent of a man who scorned her 100 years earlier.
If the wild action, lots of guns, explosions, bad hair, and this unstoppable killing machine doesn't get you, then the dialog alone is worth your time. After sating her passion on some un-suspecting males, by leaving them a little less than men, the police discover their remains. One cop reads "It says here all three guys died with their cocks bitten off. It could be a small animal." Classic stuff here, folks. You won't find dialog this classic in any film coming from Hollywood. Well...actually you probably would.
If you’ve never experienced films from some of the smaller foreign markets, like Indonesia, India, or the Philippines, you are missing out on some highly original (even though they are ripping off Hollywood) and innovative films. They are always coming up with something that will have you asking if yourself “Did I just see what I thought I saw?”
ALLIGATOR (1980) - Directed by
Lewis Teague, I don't think I would have considered this film really a "turkey".
It's sequel, ALLIGATOR 2: THE MUTATION...now that's a turkey movie, but maybe
we'll get to that another day. But back to the first one. Sure, it
is a B-movie at its finest, and has all the trappings of one, like a JAWS
inspired plot, except he has feet now. A girl is forced to flush her baby
alligator down the toilet by her father, but it doesn't die. Thanks to the
carcasses of animals disposed in the sewers that were being tested with a growth
hormone, it grows and grows. And grows. So when you think about a
giant alligator living in the sewer of Chicago, it does have all the elements of
a cheese-fest. But the film is actually quite good and a lot of fun.
This might be due to it being written by John Sayles, who wrote a number of fun
B-movies, such as PIRANHA (1978) and THE HOWLING (1981).
Robert Forester stars as the hard nose cop who is investigating a series of disappearances near different sewer outlets. He teams up with reptile specialist Robin Riker, and game hunter Henry Silva, and they set out to put an end to the 36-foot eating machine. This was still back in the early ‘80s when good taste really hadn’t come into play, so anybody could end up as alligator chow. Even kids. There is a sequence with the alligator in a neighborhood swimming pool, with some little kids playing around it that is something that you don't see nowadays. It definitely fits the bill for a fun movie to watch in a group.
THE FOOD OF THE
GODS (1976) Our last film, we pretty much stayed in the same vein. We ended the day with
this classic from Bert I. Gordon. Gordon’s films of the ‘50s always made use of camera tricks,
making simple creatures into gigantic proportions, turning them into a
terrifying monster, like THE BEGINNING OF THE END and EARTH vs. THE SPIDER.
While during the ‘60s, he only made one “giant” film, he came back with a
vengeance in the ‘70s with this film and EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977).
In FOOD, on a remote Canadian island, a strange goop pouring out the earth is used as an experimental animal food that Ida Lupino and her husband were giving to their chickens, causing them to grow to abnormal size. It was okay when it was just the chickens that grew in size to 7 feet tall. But when everything else gets into it, such as mosquitoes, caterpillars, and finally rats get into the food, the all hell breaks loose.
Marjoe Gortner is a football player that is on the island with some friends for some horseback riding and hunting. But when one of his friends is attacked by giant mosquitoes, he realizes that something strange is going on. But by that time, it's too late to escape. He ends up at Lupino's house, along with some others trying to escape what is happening. Pamela Franklin, a personal favorite of mine since THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE (1974), joins in the fun, along with Ralph Meeker and Belinda Balaski. Gordon really knew how to write dialog that would be entertaining for years to come. When faced with the possible demise from this giant rats, Franklin turns to Gortner, telling him she's so scared to die that she wants him to sleep with her. Isn't that always the case?
Also, there's a big debate as to just what Gordon was doing to these rats during the filming When Gortner and crew are shooting at them with shotguns, while I'm sure Gordon was using just a paint pellet gun, it sure doesn't look to fun for the rats, as they fly across the screen once they get hit.
So we made it through another year of fun, though this was not as hard as the previous year. Being AC's first time doing this, we wanted to make sure he'd come back next year. But then, maybe we won't be so easy on him.....
Once again, it was time to test our prowess when it came to endurance and sheer will power. And once again, I was joined by Dr. AC who willfully joined us for another year of film, fun, and fanatical devotion to test our sanity. Guess he didn’t learn last time.
KING
DINOSAUR (1955) - Since we had touched upon Mr. BIG last year with FOOD
OF THE GODS (1976), we thought it would be a good idea to start this year with
one of the films from the start of Gordon’s film career. Now even though
‘dinosaur’ is in the title of the film, what we actually get is an iguana and a
baby alligator. The iguana is even referred to as a T-Rex in the movie. Boy,
did someone miss a few of their paleontologists’ classes. When Gordon has these
two creatures battling it out for world domination, it was something possible
way before the likes of PETA were around. But even better than the
creature fighting is just the dated dialog and actions of our small cast. These
were the days when it was pretty normal just to have a small thermonuclear
device that you could carry around, and bring to another planet…just in case
you’d need it.
Four scientist travel by rocket to the planet Nova, which had recently entered our solar system. Even though the planet looks pretty similar to Earth, more so Bronson's Canyon in California, the giant creatures there tend to put off our scientist and decide that blow up the place since we couldn't live there. Once they make their escape from the giant creatures, one of guys says "I brought the atom bomb. I think it's a good time to use it!" That is the high quality of intense dialog that you'll hear throughout this movie.
In the short running time of the film, it is padded out by a lot of stock footage. A lot of stock footage. Then there is the way they treat the lemur, and even the way the two female scientist are treated. Sure, this is the '50s and a much different time. But watching it today will get plenty of laughs out of the guys. Just make sure you're not laughing in front of any significant other of the female persuasion. But even with all of that, if you're expecting a nice Turkey Day movie, then you will enjoy this one a lot.
EVIL CLUTCH (1988) - Next up was one tough hill to climb. It was a film that I had seen before, but apparently had forgotten just how awful it is. And even worse (for her career), that it stars a good friend of ours, Coralina Cataldi Tassoni. This is the movie that she hates, and rightfully so. Folks, not only is this is one bad movie, but it really hurts to try and get through. Even being a huge fan of Italian cinema, especially from the ‘80s when the blood and gore was flying around like parmesan cheese at an Italian restaurant, this is just a terribly made film. There is a chase sequence at the end of the film that just seems to go on forever! Andreas Marfori wrote and directed this mess, and thankfully didn't work that much more in the film industry. Truly a film to earn its place in any Turkey Day marathon, but is one tough piece of meat to not only chew, but to also keep down. So if you decide to watch this film, take heed. Do it with a friend, or not at all. This is one that you really need a spotter on.
THE FROZEN
DEAD (1967) - So trying to recover from that misery, we put in a title
that I knew was going to be a bit more fun. When you’re dealing with Nazis and
strange medical experiments on the dead, how can it not be, right? As a
kid, there was a movie that I had seen on TV late one night, that I didn't
remember the title or a lot of the movie itself, but there were a few scenes
that stayed with me for years afterwards. There is the shot of the wall of
several arms hanging there. There were these soldiers that could only do
one simple task, like comb their hair or dig a hole with an imaginary shovel.
And of course, the scenes with the animated decapitated head, burned into my
psyche like a soldering iron.
The movie starred Dana Andrews as a German doctor who is working on an experiment of reviving Nazi soldiers that after the war was over, volunteered to be frozen solid and revived once they could start a new war, and hopefully creating a new breed of super soldiers. Of course, there's a few glitches in the process of re-animating them, since their brains don't function too well. Not too promising for the new Third Reich.
This is not a great film by any means. But Andrews gives his performance with all the gusto he can. Everyone involved here were doing that. Even some of the dialog is cheesy, but said with great conviction. It's films like this that stay memorable, even after many years, they are always enjoyable to watch and have a good time with.
TENTACLES
(1977) - Our last film for the day almost put both of us to sleep. Not
necessarily because it was boring, but it was way too freaking long!
Personally, I can never get enough of all the JAWS inspired movies that followed
it's success, and this film from Ovidio G. Assonitiswas one of many. But I
swear that movie felt like it was 3 hours long. It featured a great all-star
cast, with big names like Henry Fonda and John Huston. Even had Shelly Winters
as a flirtatious bar-hopping floozy, which was scarier than any giant octopus.
While we did have a great idea for a JAWS rip-off, and even had some great
sequences, the film just gets too bogged down and really, really……really drags
on.
Following the basic theme to a T, TENTACLES is about a "evil" corporation that just might be spilling some nasty stuff into the ocean during one of their underwater constructions. And this might just have caused a octopus to grow to enormous size. Big enough where it's snatching babies off the beach! Fun stuff here folks...at least during some parts of the movie. But the movie gets too bogged down with trying to tell the story and not getting to enough action. That might have had something to do with having such an all-star cast and not wanting to waste them. One difference in this film from the other JAWS rip-offs is that to battle this giant multi-legged creature, they get a couple of trained killer whales to attack it, with the help of their trainer Bo Hopkins.
So after that film that seemed to take forever to finish, afterwards, we knew we our marathon for the day definitely was over as well. An attempt on another movie would have been futile since we both would have been asleep. So after four films, some damn entertaining, and some just tough to sit through, we made it through another Turkey Marathon.
Another year and another trip down the slippery slope of cinematic mishaps, misfires, and just plan screw ups. Joining me once again was Dr. AC, who has become my ally and trusted companion on these trips to the ends of good taste and good movies, watching each other’s backs while we trudge along this journey some would call madness. But we feel that it’s our duty to tackle these turkeys by the giblets and show them just who is stronger! But let’s get on to the movies!
KILLDOZER (1974) - Growing up in the ‘70s, I was able to watch a lot of great made-for-TV movies that were being produced at the time. As well as some…not-so-good ones. A lot like the idea for NIGHT OF THE LEPUS, whoever thought that a bulldozer that becomes possessed by an alien force, causing it to seek out and kill workers on an island construction site, might have thought it was a great idea. But sometimes that spark of genius needs to be thought out a little bit more. Even more surprising when it was based on a short story by noted sci-fi writer Theodore Sturgeon, who ever worked on the teleplay.
The idea of a bulldozer being able to sneak up on anybody other than blind people who are too numb to feel the ground shake, it about as silly as you can get. But that didn’t stop them from making KILLDOZER. This is a great example of what could get back bade in that time. Western regular Clint Walker stars as a foreman trying to get his life and career back after a bout with alcoholism. So when the weird stuff starts to happen, he knows nobody will believe him. The film co-stars future TV star Robert Urich, James Wainwright, and the always memorable Neville Brand.
THE SEA SERPENT (1984) - Our
next film shows just how a great filmmaker can have an off day….or so. Director Amando de Ossorio was the director who created one of the creepiest monsters in
Spanish horror history, the Blind Dead. He would make four films with these
memorable monsters in the early ‘70s, basing them on the famous Templar
Knights. But he made several other genre films in his career, in varying degree
of quality. But his last one, THE SEA SERPENT, is probably not the one that he
hopes that he is remembered by.
Sea captain Pedro Fontán is played by Timothy Bottoms, who tries to pass off as an non-American, and does it about as good as Sean Connery mastering any accent other than a Scottish one. But none the less, after his boat is attacked and sunk, by what he claims to be a giant sea monster, he loses his license and the respect of his fellow sea men. Then after a young woman watches her friend get eaten by this creature, she joins forces with him to discover the truth behind this mysterious monster. They are joined by Ray Milland, an oceanographer trying to discover this ancient creature. This was one of the last movies that Milland did and sort of looks like Darth Vader after taking off his mask at the end of RETURN OF THE JEDI.
The special effects used for the giant sea serpent are about equal to any monster in the Scooby Doo cartoons. It is one that will make you either laugh out loud, or cover your mouth in horror of what the actors had to work with. The effects guys tried like hell but just couldn’t do anything that was even remotely scary. But none the less, the movie is great fun and is a perfect choice for any Turkey Day, or just anytime that you need one of those great “bad” movies.
LORELEY’S GRASP (1974) – Not
sure why we did this, since it wasn’t really planned. Plus it’s a film that I
personally wouldn’t consider a Turkey, though I think AC would argue that
point. But right after SEA SERPENT, we went on to another Amando de Ossorio
film. This is a film that I seen at a midnight screening in my youth, under the
title WHEN THE SCREAMING STOPS. They were even passing out barf bags for the
screening. How cool was that? Couldn’t believe how gory the film was, even though a bit cheesy.
This version also had the screen flashing red as a warning before anything gory was going to
happen. Nice. The story is about a girl school where they are being attacked
and brutally torn apart by some unknown beast. So a hunter from the village is
hired to track down this animal or whatever it is, and destroy it.
For me personally, one of the highlights of the film is Helga Liné, starring as the mysterious Lorelei. Could she be the one that turns into some sort of lizard monster, tearing out the hearts of the young women? Could be. Liné starred in many Spanish horror films, including a couple with Paul Naschy, and even a couple of early Italian films. She' always been a favorite actress of mine and is always memorable, usually playing the villain. Tony Kendall is the hunter hired to kill her, but accidentally falls under her spell. Filled with the usual beautiful sets, and sequences filled with gore, and enough beautiful women to keep any male fan of Spanish horror eyes glue to the screen.
Lucky for us Spanish horror fans, this movie was released in it's original version on DVD by BCI a few year ago, both as a single edition as well as a double feature disc with HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB, also starring Liné.
OCTAMAN (1971) – Keeping in line
with sea monsters, sort of, we finished off the day with this fine piece of
work. Unfortunately, this movie is in dire need of a properly cleaned up DVD
release. The VHS prints are so dark that it hides a lot of the wonderful action
shots of the creature, which were created by a young Rick Baker. But even that
didn’t stop from enjoying this great little monster movie, cheesy or not. This
is a great example of a good old-fashion monster movie. Sure, it won’t hold up
or compare to modern day terrors like ALIEN or PUMPKINHEAD, but it does bring
back a certain spirit that is missed in today’s films.
Kerwin Matthews and Jeff Morrow lead a scientific expedition to Mexico to investigate the possible pollution in the water after they find some mutated octopus or two. But once they get there and start messing around with the local sea creatures, the title character shows up to stop them. Part environmental preaching / part monster movie, this movie is just plain fun. It’s a wonder that Jeff Morrow would be in another film like this, after his experience with THE GIANT CLAW. Maybe at this point in his career, he just needed the work.
So after five years of doing this, has it built up my resistance to these types of movies? Has it made me more tolerable to bad films? Or has it just given me one day out of the year to just experience bad cinema! Whatever the answer might be, it's always a fun time and don't plan on stopping just yet.
Now in the 6th year of holding my annual Turkey Day marathon, AC and I took another fistful of films considered to be turkeys, B-movies, MST-fodder, or just a waste of time. But not for us. As crazy as we might be, we find quite a bit of enjoyment out of watching these films, where the filmmakers were really trying to their best to make a good film. Granted, most of them missed the mark when it comes to being good. But is it entertaining? That is the true test of a film, turkey or not. So let’s venture forth and see what fun we got ourselves into this year. From a couple of alien invasion films, Tiny Tim as a clown, Hammer’s sci-fi epic, or a low budget film from good old Michigan, we had our work cut out for us this year. Let’s begin.
THE EYE
CREATURES (1965) – Larry Buchanan was a filmmaker that makes Roger Corman
look like he had bigger budgets than James Cameron. He was making his little
films in his home state of Texas, and usually turning a profit. Sure, he
may not have made high quality films, but the ones that he made, made money.
And in the film business, that is the only way to continue to making films. He had made a
deal with American International Pictures to remake their film INVASION OF THE
SAUCERMEN. Of course, with a much lower budget, and in color. But it didn’t
stop him from giving them, and us, THE EYE CREATURES. This was so
successful, that he went on to remake 3 more titles from the AIP catalog.
Starring John Ashley, the film pretty much follows the original, except the creatures themselves. Where in the original, the creature designs were well-crafted and thought out by Paul Blaisdell. But here, we have guys in suits that look like the Michelin Man’s 2nd cousin. There are a couple of scenes where there are several of the alien creatures attacking, moving very slowing and waving their arms. But if you look closely, you will see that only a couple of the closer aliens had full body suits on, while some others just have their head and shoulders covered, the rest of their bodies covered in black. Pretty damn funny that nobody caught that.
But none the less, Ashley gives it his all, like he always did. And it’s a fun movie with the definite feel of the ‘50s movies that it was based on. There is a lot of the silly humor in here, with both some main characters, and the whole subplot of a couple of military guards that like to use the radars to spy on the kids making out in lovers lane. Lucky for us, the film did get an actual DVD release, so many can enjoy it for years to come.
BLOOD
HARVEST (1987) – This next film comes from another filmmaker that refused
to work in Hollywood, only to create his own film studio in…Wisconsin! Bill
Rebane, writer, director, editor, producer, cinematographer, and just about
anything else that had to do with the filmmaking process, he knew how to do.
Not too well, some might say, but that’s always debatable. Rebane’s biggest hit
was the wonderful GIANT SPIDER INVASION (1975), but he had made a few other
choice titles in his career.
One of his last films was a standard slasher film. But because of the star of the film, it put it into the next level of filmmaking, making it a prime choice cut for our Turkey Day marathon. The film was BLOOD HARVEST and starred cult personality Tiny Tim. But what could be even more frightening than Tiny Tim in a slasher movie? How about having him play a clown! The Big Double T spends most of his time in makeup, as the Marvelous Mervo. But this isn’t like he’s a professional clown, or at least not in the movie. He just stays in makeup, creeps around at night, and likes to sing instead of talking. Sometimes it even makes sense. One can only imagine being on the set of this picture, since I don’t think Tim was really acting, but just being himself. And that had to be the scariest part of this movie.
Besides Tim, which is entertainment enough to watch this film, the rest of the movie really isn’t that bad. We have all the ingredients for a standard slasher: some blood, nudity, and a mysterious killer on the loose. Throwing in a twisted clown, being played by Tiny Tim, just gives it icing on the cake. And look for an early acting role for Peter Krause, who would later star in HBO’s SIX FEET UNDER.
LURKING TERROR (2002) – This is the first film by writer/director/producer/actress Tommy Brunswick, who hails from Michigan. A buddy of our’s worked on the creature effects on this, and we’ve been meaning to get to it for quite some time, so we figured what better time than during our Turkey Day marathon!
The film deals with a combination of an ancient evil living out in the woods, and a demented family capturing and killing anybody dumb enough to cross paths with them. The film is pretty bloody, and not bad for a shot-on-video film. But unfortunately is bogged down by what most of these types are: bad acting and no money.
MOON ZERO
TWO (1969) – Hammer Films, known primarily for their horror films, would
often venture off into different genres, like fantasy, pirate movies, dinosaur
movies, and the like. They always had that usual Hammer scope and feel to
them and were usually pretty successful at it too. But not
on this one. They came up with an idea for a cowboy style movie, but set in
space. Director Roy Ward Baker and the cast tried their hardest to make it
work, but it just fell flat.
Jason Olsen leads the cast, as a space pilot refusing to join the corporate way of doing things and stay on his own and independent. When he gets the chance to make some serious money on a special job, one that requires “no questions”, he runs into just about every kind of trouble he can. A lot of time and money went into the set designs and art direction, which do give you some entertainment. But just not the kind that I think they were hoping for. It really becomes more silly than serious. Joining Olsen on this adventure, was Adrienne Corri, Catherina Von Schell, Warren Mitchell, Bernard Bresslaw, and of course, Michael Ripper.
Although, I will say that opening theme song is just a hoot! If you want to hear it, just click HERE.
ALIEN
FACTOR (1978) – Our last film for this year’s marathon was another one of
those that might be considered cheesy by some people, but I think it’s actually a
well done and fun movie. Sure, the acting is pretty amateur and cheesy,
but because of all the great creatures and effects the film has, I could easily
let that go. We have several different monsters in this film, all of them
made the good old fashion way with rubber and makeup, and done quite well.
Hell, they even did some force perspective shots, some Sure
the acting isn’t the greatest. But the passion makes up for a lot of that and
they came up with a pretty entertaining and fun movie.
This was the first film made by Baltimore filmmaker Don Dohler, who became tired of his day job, especially after a robbery, and decided that he was going to make movies. The real charm to ALIEN FACTOR and Dohler’s movies in general, is the sheer passion for the good old fashion monster movie. He didn't go beyond anything that he didn't think he could accomplish. He stayed within his means and made entertaining movies with what he had. While not a great film by any means, it does remind us of the films and filmmakers of that time, when there were the little guys making these movies outside of the Hollywood system, and were using their brains instead of being able to throw money at it.
He has made several films that are worth watching, but just make sure they are the ones that he directed. The later films that he worked on as cinematographer and Joe Ripple directing, turned more into the typical crap that one is use to seeing for shot-on-video stuff.
So we bring this year’s marathon to an end on a higher note than we usually do. Think that might have to be a regular thing we do, ending the marathon with at least an good movie. That way we don’t leave with a terrible taste in our mouth after such a gluttonous feast.
This year’s marathon brought something new to the table. A third victim! Joining me and AC this year was our buddy Matt Carr (aka gore artist Putrid) who finally decided to take up our offer to spend the day rolling around in cinematic garbage. With Matt being a fan of such things and very used to it, we know he’d feel right at home.
STING OF DEATH
(1965) – Our first movie came from Florida’s own William Grefe, another renegade
filmmaker that didn’t want to leave his Florida location and would stay and make
his movies there. STING was Grefe’s first real venture into the horror genre,
creating the first half man/half jellyfish creature that has to be seen to be
believed. Seeing a guy wearing a black wetsuit, with basically a plastic
garbage bag over his head, and wires hanging off of him that are supposed to be
tentacles is just priceless. It really is one of the best cheesy monsters in
cinematic history. And it’s a blast.
A group of biology students head over to an island off the coast of the Everglades to have a party at Dr. Richardson’s house, where his daughter has just showed up to stay for a while. The doctor’s assistant, Egon, stands out like a sore thumb amongst her friends because he’s slightly deformed. So that makes it okay for all her friends to laugh, point, and generally make fun of him. But hey…they’re just wacky kids. In fact, right after they get there, they start the swinging dance party. There’s even a song playing called ‘Do the Jellyfish’ that was written and sung by famous singer/songwriter Neil Sedaka. I’m sure this was at the start of his career…But somehow, with all the dancing, the kids don’t happen to see this jellyfish creature sneak into the pool that they’re dancing around, waiting for someone to jump in the pool. As we said, it has to be seen to be believed.
Grefe would go on to make other successful drive-in style movies, including his most famous one, STANLEY (1972).
GRAVEYARD
DISTURBANCE (1987) – By the time the late ‘80s, Italian filmmakers were
doing more work for television than they were for the theater. This is one
example, directed by Lamberto Bava. The real sad thing about this movie is that
it looks just beautiful. There is some amazing set designs, great looking
creatures, just a wonderful picture to watch. The problem is that NOTHING
HAPPENS! A group of young adults get trapped in an underground tomb that, like
the plot, seems to go nowhere.
There are so many times when it looks like something good is going to happen, only to have some pretty stupid humor, or something that just makes no sense at all. The ever so lovely Beatrice Ring, who would later star in ZOMBI 3 (1988), plays one of the leads trapped in this cavernous hell, along with Karl Zinny, who had a role in Bava’s DEMONS (1985).
I think that was one of the hardest part for all of us trying to get through this movie is that since it did look great, but that nothing really happened, made it pretty disappointing. We knew it was a made-for-TV movie, but we’re just hoping for a little bit more.
ROCK ‘N’
ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987) – Rock star Jon Mikl Thor (or rather wanna-be rock
star) decided that if his musical career wasn’t going to put him into stardom,
then he would also try the movies. After having a taste of the horror genre the
previous year by playing a guy brought back from the dead to avenge his death in
ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE, he decided to write his own movie, and of course star in it as
well.
It’s about a rock band going to an old farm to record their new album. Just so happens that something very evil and mysterious happened at this very same farm house years ago. And low and behold, once they get settled in, more strange stuff starts to happen and members of the band start getting killed off or possessed. There are several musical performances by the band, which depending on your taste for ‘80s hair bands will rate how much you’ll either enjoy this or just be embarrassed by it. The acting is just laughable, and the same with the creatures that show up. They look like rejects from a Muppets Halloween episode. No real scares here, but a lot of look at and laugh. A perfect movie for a Turkey Day marathon.
MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS (2009) – This feature was a first for my annual marathon. In the seven years that I’ve been holding these, we had never screen a movie that came out that year. But this was one film that didn’t need to gestate for years before it became a turkey. It was one right from day one. And the makers of the film knew it, which made it even more enjoyable.
The film
is played completely straight, just like the old movies from the 50s, where the
guy had to keep a straight face while looking at a man in a goofy rubber
costume. But here, all our creatures are completely CGI, most of which is just
a shade better than something that you’d see on the Cartoon Network. But they
seemed to just revel in the outrageousness of the whole concept. We have a
shark that is so big, that it literally jumps out of the ocean and grabs an
airliner right out of the air. It is one of the craziest things I’ve seen
during these Turkey Day screenings, but that had to be one of the best moments.
The film stars ‘80s pop star Deborah Gibson and B-movie/TV star Lorenzo Lamas trying to either start their career or completely bury it. Again, same with the older cheesy movies, I wonder if these stars knew what the title creatures were going to look like and how outrageous their actions were going to be. In either case, I never would have believed how entertained we were watching this. Granted, something like this should never be attempted alone, since the enjoyment factor will never be as high as when with a bunch of friends. Trust me. I know what I speak of.
BOARDING
HOUSE (1982) – Our last little feature was one that was one of the first
shot-on-video productions that actually played some theaters. I know this for a
fact, since it played the theater I worked at back in the early ‘80s. Granted,
I thought it was just a terrible movie back then, even though it did have its
share of blood & boobs. So I never went back to it. But now that it was on
DVD, and felt like a perfect movie for our marathon, and the fact that Putrid
just happens to think this is one of the greatest movies ever made, how could we
pass it up?
A man opens up a boarding house, welcoming in young and beautiful women to stay with him. Of course, there is some evil living in the house, waiting to kill or make people kill themselves in horrible and graphic ways. But this doesn’t stop these young women to be in a constant state of undress, running around playing and wrestling with each other. Some of the gore sequences are just goofy as hell, but are bloody. They will get a reaction out of you, one way or another.
So another year goes by, and we were able to stomach five movies in total. But even more impressive, each and every one of these titles more than qualifies as a turkey. We didn’t even throw in a good one to ease the pain, but stuck through them all. And I know we’ll be back again next year to do it all over again. God help us all.